What is a mother?

What is a mother? Mother is just a six letter word, but it means so much more. A mother is a person that is always by your side. She is your Number One fan; she laughs with you, cries with you, screams with you, but most of all, she’s there for you.

Even on the days when it feels like I’m all alone or I’m in a dark head space, I know my mother is just a phone call away. Her voice tells me that she loves me and is so proud of me even if I feel like a failure. I can’t imagine life without my mother. I’m not much of a poet, but she was the inspiration behind a poem I wrote when I was at Ivy Tech. She absolutely loved it, and she still cries every time she reads it:

Kitchen Dance/by Breanna Fairchild
When I was young, I often watched
my mother cook dinner.
She would chop up the onion
throw it in the hamburger with a pop.
It seemed like she was dancing.
Moving her way through the cabinets,
swaying her hips and rags to imaginary music.
It always made me giggle to see her so silly.
I never understood the kitchen dance
until I danced it myself.

Happy Mother’s Day, Momma. I thank God everyday for giving me to you. Thank you for teaching me the kitchen dance and how to be an amazing, God-fearing woman. You are my sunshine. I love you.

Families Who Game Together…

Sixteen years ago, the MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game) World of Warcraft WoW-ed (pun intended) the world with its gorgeous graphics, breathtaking landscapes, and engaging storytelling. My dad was immediately drawn to it. He’s always been a gamer, and much of my childhood was filled with watching my dad play different games (Everquest, Diablo II, Anarchy Online, etc.).

I was infatuated with the story lines and different quests throughout the games. Mom would tell me stories of times she would see Dad holding me in the crook of his arm and playing a computer game with the other. My parents knew I was going to be a gamer when we were on a trip to Kansas to visit family, and the whole way there I hummed the Everquest theme. They thought it was the cutest thing ever until it lasted over EIGHT hours.

In 2007, my dad created a guild called Clan Darkfire in hopes that someday his children would join and play along with him. He waited and watched as his children drifted in and out of the game. Sometimes, we would go years without playing only to come back and play for a little bit, and then we would move on to another game.

In 2020, Dad is proud to announce that the guild has over ten players that are active within including my brother, sister, mother, husband, one of my best friends, my sister’s boyfriend, and me. Tonight, we played seven hours together, running in and out of dungeons and completing quests. There was lots of laughter and screaming throughout those seven hours. I felt our bond as a family (and guild) grow stronger.

Even right now, we’re still playing by ourselves, but talking with the others. It’s a wonderful feeling to be close together even though we’re an hour apart. Families who game together stay together, and I never want it to change.

Pooka Grace

On March 31st, this meatloaf is turning 8 years old. This fur-momma can’t believe it’s been 8 years since she “graced” my presence. I remember when we picked her up, and then I remember leaving for church camp for a week (the same week Cody and I re-met). When I came back, this puppy was so excited to see me that she tinkled on me. She still does it when she gets excited. She’s rotten and spoiled, but she’s my Nator Grace, and I’m glad she’s been my baby for 8 years.

Christmastime is Here

I’m not usually one to be excited about the Christmas season. I only have a select few Christmas songs that don’t drive me nuts and most are without lyrics (Lindsey Stirling, Sarajevo from Trans Siberian Orchestra). I love the nativity story and everything that comes along with the birth of Jesus, but I’m not SUPER excited. This year, however, I’m excited and thankful. Now, I realize it isn’t Thanksgiving, but Christmas is also a holiday that all of us should be thankful.

It’s the first Christmas I’m married to my husband, and I’m thankful for everything he has and will do for me. I used to think “love” was just a four letter word, but I’ve tasted true love, and I will never let him go.

I’m thankful for my amazing mom and dad for all they do for my siblings and me. They raised us with morals and values that are much different than some of the children I’ve met.

I’m thankful for a strong warrior of a mother. Mom slipped in November and broke her foot, required surgery, and now, she’s in a cast. This woman is STILL getting up and out to preach the gospel. If a mosquito were to bite her, it would fly away singing, “There’s power in the blood”.

I’m thankful for father that has a giving heart. My dad has been doing everything to make sure his bride is taken care of. That’s the kind of love Cody has shown me.

I’m thankful for my (big) little brother and my not-so-little sister. They’re my best friends and live wouldn’t be the same with either of them in my life.

I’m thankful for my friends. Although we’re not blood related, they’re still my family.

I’m thankful to be alive. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so I try to live in the moment. It’s not always easy, but it would make life a lot better if everyone did.

So, to sign off, I hope all of you have Merry Christmas!

Still a Fairchild

As many know, I recently became a “Mrs” on October 19th, 2019. Beforehand and even a few times after, I have been asked what name I will be publishing future content underneath. For myself, it wasn’t something I had considered much. As Shakespeare famously stated in Romeo and Juliet, “What’s in a name?” I thought it would just be “ME”, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is a question that I should have asked myself. Then, my mother told me, “You started writing as a Fairchild, and although you’re married now and have a new name, you’re still a Fairchild.”

She’s absolutely right though. Although my new last name is proudly “Wilson”, I am still a Fairchild and will continue writing underneath the name because a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

This post is in memory of my grandfather Richard Martin Fairchild and my grandmother Doris Louis Lloyd.

*Photograph taken by Honeycreek Photography

Breakthrough

Writers are mysterious creatures. We go through bursts of inspiration where our fingers are flying so fast across the keys that it seems lighting is fueling every motion. However, with the inspiration also comes the times when we are hit with the dreaded Writer’s Block. We stare at the same page for hours on end, trying to find even a spark of the inspiration we had experienced only days or weeks beforehand.

Recently, I started expanding on the short story I had published over a year ago. I knew the story needed to be told and questions needed answered. I knew there was so much that had to be explained, but after I had written a few sentences or even a few paragraphs, I had to stop for research. I couldn’t write a science fiction novel without fully knowing what science fiction was. Thus, I started on my own journey through space.

At first, I was looking at different types of galaxies and where they were located. I soon realized a MAJOR issue with my short story. If Canary was bound for the Horsehead Nebula, it would be heading back to the Milky Way. Once this discrepancy was discovered, I was banging my head off a wall for my lack of research. After I was done wallowing in my naivety, I steeled my nerves and delved deeper into space. The research expanded past NASA and straight into space, and you can bet I was watching the live revealing of the supermassive black hole within Virgo A (Messier 87).

I soon settled on The Black Eye Galaxy (Aka: Messier 64, Evil Eye Galaxy, and Sleeping Beauty Galaxy) and realized it was much like the Milky Way. However, I still hit Writer’s Block. I had no idea how Canary was going to operate, how the inhabitants would get food, water, and other essentials, or how long the journey to the new galaxy would take.

That’s when my fiance, my father, and my mentor came into play. They asked questions that my audience would ask, and it prompted more research and everything started to formulate to a solid idea as I started to find answers to those questions. They also gave me amazing ideas and helped to fuel the fire that had burned to embers.

As of now, the fires are burning bright and are still stoked by the three men that have pushed me to think outside of the Milky Way. Keep an eye out. Canary is once more in the air, and she’s showing no signs of slowing until she awakens the Sleeping Beauty.

At the Beginning

One of my favorite songs is a duet by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis. In it, they speak of being strangers and starting on a journey together. Neither of them expect any of the hardships they go through, but eventually, the two find themselves at the beginning with each other.

From the moment I laid eyes on a seventeen-year-old Auburn haired boy, I was smitten. He had this cute half-smile and don’t even get me started on his laugh and sense of humor. He seemed to be the complete opposite of me, but in reality, we were exactly alike in all the right ways. We both shared same music tastes, same video game preferences, and same genre of books. We never expected to get to where we are now. We never in our wildest dreams expected to fall so hard and so fast for each other.

In less than 7 months, I will be walking down the aisle to become one with my husband. I will take an oath, and I will stick by it with every fiber of my being. In less than 7 months, I am marrying the man that is so much more than the man of my dreams. He’s my protector, my confidant, my lover, my best friend, but most of all…he’s the man God created for me.

I love you, Cody, with every fiber of my being. You will always have me ❤

Wonderland in Ruins

I’m going to warn readers right off that this post will deal with some pretty heavy things and will be fairly long. I feel this is something that needs said. Since starting work at a hospital, I have noticed a growing trend in something that is often overlooked or simply looked down upon: mental illness.

When I was eighteen, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I went up to my mother one day and told her I was not okay, something was wrong, and I needed to see my doctor. She took me in a few days later and spoke with my doctor as I cried the whole time because I thought I was broken. I don’t even remember the appointment except my momma holding my hand the whole time and telling me I was going to be okay. I changed medications three times before I even felt somewhat like my old self. Everything seemed fine.

Until it wasn’t.

This last year, something happened that I can’t even begin to explain. I fell into one of the deepest, darkest depressions I have ever been in. Then suddenly, I woke up one day and was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I had so much energy. There was color in everything. Everyone was so beautiful and amazing and I wanted to love everyone. I was laughing and smiling until my chest and face hurt, but then my fiance and friends started noticing weird things I was doing. I would start making decision on a whim which is unlike me because I’m very strategic. I would say and do things like there were absolutely no consequences. It came to the point where I thought I was happy and I didn’t need my medications anymore and nothing anyone said would make me change my mind. This lasted about a month, and then I fell back into a depression.

Something didn’t feel right. I knew I had MDD, but there had to be some underlying cause that was forcing the insane emotions. I started to do research and chart out my symptoms with the help of my fiance and my roommates. We discovered something I never thought I would deal with. I was experiencing something called hypomania which was a symptom of Bipolar II Disorder. I didn’t self-diagnose myself, but the symptoms I was having fit everything about the illness. I had more lows than highs and when I did have a high, it only lasted a short period before I fell back into depression.

My fiance took me to the doctor this time armed with a list of the symptoms I was experiencing during both depression and hypomania and held my hand as he explained to her what was happening and what we were going through. I was referred to a psychiatrist, and a month later, she told me that although no diagnosis regarding the mind is concrete, I fit the symptoms and she diagnosed me with Bipolar II Disorder.

With her help, we straightened out my medication, and I can truly say I am happy. I still have my lows, but they aren’t nearly as bad as they once were. The hypomania hasn’t reared its ugly head since the first time, and hopefully, I won’t experience it again.

I don’t post this for sympathy. I don’t post it for the “Oh, I’m so glad you’re better”. I post it to bring awareness to a demon that plagues so many other people. I want to bring awareness to those that feel helpless, lost, scared, and guilty for being alive. I want to bring awareness to those living in the dark, and I want them to see that they’re not alone.

Mental illness is a real thing and anyone that says otherwise has never dealt with the feeling of helplessness, brokenness, and just pure darkness that I and many others have dealt with. We can’t just “be happy”. We know there are others that have it worse than us, but we can’t help it that the chemicals in our minds are so out of sync with the rest of us that it makes us feel like we’re going to snap. We can’t just “make ourselves better” with a little rest and relaxation. It’s impossible.

There is such a stigma on mental illness that needs to stop because there are so many out there that are lost and cannot find the light to get out of the dark. They need help and treating them like their mental illness doesn’t exist may be the very thing that pushes them over the edge.

Thanksgiving

Today is a day of thankfulness. I, like many others, have many things in my life that I am thankful for: family, friends, a house over my head, clothing, a good job. If someone would have told me in high school that my life would be like this, I would have laughed in their face and told them they were crazy.

However, as I look around my front room and see the empty soda cans and open chip bags from my roommates, I realize how blessed I truly am. Yeah, my house may not be the cleanest and I may have to walk over animals and clothing just to get to the bathroom, but it’s lived in, and for that reason, I am thankful. Yeah, my family may live an hour away across the Illinois boarder, but I know I can show up on their doorstep unannounced and I’m welcomed with open arms, and for that reason, I am thankful.

So, stuff your face with turkey and ham and whatever else you want to. As we enter into the holiday season, I urge everyone to make a list of things they’re not thankful for. Once that is made, ask yourself, “How can I turn this into a list of things I’m thankful for?” One would be surprised how a simple word or phrase can be turned into something much more.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! 

Confession of the Leviathan

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I had several people ask if I had more of Leviathan’s story. I appreciate all the compliments given, and all the support makes me want to write and learn even more about my mysterious Templar. For those that want to know, the inspiration came from a favorite song of mine called “The Truth Beneath the Rose” from Within Temptation. It’s about a Templar that starts questioning her faith and what it truly means to be a warrior of God. Enjoy!

Leviathan’s hands clasped together as if she were grasping onto the hand of the Father himself, and her body shook from the resentment she had toward her blade. The booth she sat in seemed almost like a courtroom with the High Priest sitting on one side waiting to hand down her sentence and her in front, cowering beneath the critical gaze.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” she whispered, her voice filled with the turmoil she felt. “I have sinned against my Almighty Father and brother.”

“The Lord be in your heart and upon your lips that you may truly and humbly confess your sins: In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,” came the reply between the crosshatched wicker.

She repeated the teachings she had been taught throughout the training as a Templar, although it felt like acid on her tongue. “I confess to Almighty God, to his Church, and to you, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed, in things done and left undone; especially driving the silver through the gypsy child’s chest. I pray God to have mercy on me.  I firmly intend amendment of life, and I humbly beg forgiveness of God and his Church, and ask you for counsel, direction, and absolution.”

“It was not a mistake, my child,” the priest replied, his voice sounding as if it were coming off a recording. “The child would have grown not in the way of Christ, but in the way of a savage.”

“Could I have not saved his soul? Turned him from the way of evil and unto the love of the Father?”

“Nay, I say. Satan never would have let go of the resentment and hatred toward God.”

“Father,” she began, her voice shaking as much as her sword had after drawing it from the child’s chest, “God forgives everyone, and if I had taught him the ways of Christ and his followers, perhaps—”

“No,” his voiced caused her to jump, and her gray eyes turned to the wicker, “he would have resented you and the Church more than Christ.”

“I do not understand how the Father’s teachings would not have taught him to forgive as you are forgiving me now.”

I am not forgiving you, Child,” he said, shifting on the other side of the wall between them. “The Almighty Father God is forgiving you.”

“But are you not the vessel in which he speaks, Father? Are you not the one channeling his forgiveness and mercy?”

“Perhaps, but if you truly speak forgiveness, does it not come from within me, but within the angels that deliver his message and his response?”

“I do not understand, Father. We are taught within The Inquisition that forgiveness is only handed down through the blood of Christ.”

“Did you not spill the blood of the savage child? Does that not justify the means? You do not need forgiveness, Child, but clarification of what the Word of God speaks. Satan has a strong hold of your heart, twisting your beliefs until you think you have done wrong. You have rid the world of the very evil that is wrought upon it, and for that, the Gates of St. Peter welcome you.”

“I should not ask forgiveness  for spilling innocent blood?”

“It is not innocent if it goes beyond the hands of God.”

She bit her tongue to a retort. “Yes, Father.”

“Now, you should return to your quarters and study the word of the Father. He will lead you in the way of forgiveness, my child.”

She slid out of the booth, her heart a little more heavy than it had been at the beginning of the session. She knew the priest was feeding her lies that The Inquisition had taught him, but there was no way to stop it.

Lest she wanted a sword through the heart like the blue eyed boy.